An Open Letter To My 16 Year Old Self

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I’m you, and I’m here to tell you that you survived everything you thought was going to completely destroy you. I remember how upset you would get over silly things, but back then they meant the world to you.

You would spend hours locked in your room crying over life. You would listen to sad music which would ultimately end up making you even more upset, but you didn’t care. (By the way, you still do that at the age of 21, but you have your emotions a little more in check now than you did five years ago.) Streams of tears would pour down your face, and sometimes you were unsure of why.

You were so in love. You thought he was your everything – because at the time, he was. You were so utterly in love, but looking back at it now, I think you were more in love with the thought of being in love than actually being in love with him. It’s okay, though. You were happy, most days, and that’s something that kept you going. I won’t sit here and call you stupid or immature. At the time, you felt it was right. At the time, your heart was whole. It hasn’t been whole for a while now, and I know it might give you a mini heart attack to know this, but it’s the truth.

A lot of shit will happen to you as you grow. But you’ll get through it. You always have, and you always will.

You were so naive, so nice to everyone. You believed everything and everyone. You only saw the good in people, never the bad. Don’t worry, you still see the good in people, but you’re also more aware of the bullshit they’re capable of, therefore you know who deserves your kindness and who doesn’t.

The people you were nice to back then still keep you around – the important ones, that is. You’ve created close ties and friendships with them, and for that I thank you. Although I have recently fucked up some of them because of my own selfish ways, I know that if I ever really needed them, they’re still there for me, and it’s because of the memories you had created with them.

Sometimes I wonder where my pure self escaped to. Sometimes I wonder why I’ve changed so drastically since you were the one in control. Sometimes I think I’m worse now than I was then, but then I remember that my experiences have shaped me into who I am; who I’ve become.

It’s better this way, because you felt a lot of hurt and anguish for being who you were, and I don’t feel that anymore.

That’s a lie, I do, but for entirely different reasons. Reasons one can’t escape. But it’s okay.

I’m writing you this to tell you that you did good. You got through difficult times where you thought you’d never bounce back from. You’ve grown into a strong woman who knows when enough is enough.

I’m writing you this to tell you that everything will be okay, because everything has been okay. Growing up is tough, but you’ve managed, and will continue to manage.

You live alone now, and you finally got that dog you’ve always wanted. You have an amazing group of friends, and you travel a lot (without your parents – yeah, it happened). You work hard and you’re doing very well in college. You have more of your life together than most college students do, and that’s a huge accomplishment. You understand that not everything comes when you want it to, but if you wait a little, life ends up surprising you in tremendous ways.

I’m hoping that I’ve made you proud of all that you’ve become, because I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.

 

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